When Helping Hurts: Understanding Communal Narcissism in Religious Spaces

In this series, we’ve been exploring narcissism and its impact on relationships—not in terms of clinical diagnosis, but as a pattern of traits that can be deeply harmful. While we won’t focus on solutions here, our aim is to increase awareness, offer language for these experiences, and validate those who have been affected. In the June edition, we discussed narcissism in intimate relationships. Now, we turn our attention to how narcissistic traits can show up in religious communities.

A fascinating psychological concept called communal narcissism was introduced in a 2012 study by Gebauer, Sedikides, Verplanken, and Maio. The researchers identified two distinct subtypes of narcissism: agentic and communal. While both stem from a fragile ego and a need for self-inflation, they differ in how that need is met.

Agentic narcissists seek validation through obvious self-promotion—achievements, accolades, and status. In contrast, communal narcissists pursue admiration by appearing selfless: through acts of kindness, charity, or service. In other words, their need for attention is cloaked in the language and appearance of humility.

This brings us to an important and often painful question: How does communal narcissism show up in religious communities?

Before diving in, I want to clarify my intention. This is not an attempt to vilify religious groups or paint all spiritual leaders with the same brush. Many people experience hurt in faith communities due to ordinary relational conflict, not narcissistic abuse. However, some pain goes deeper—caused by manipulative leaders who weaponize faith, service, or authority to serve their own egos. This is for those who have been hurt in such environments.

The distinction between genuine service and ego-driven performance is subtle and often difficult to detect. The difference lies in the heart’s motive. Is the act of service truly about others, or is it ultimately about feeding one’s own need for admiration and control?

If I may speak from my perspective not just as a counselor, but also as a minister, consider Jesus' ministry as a model. He served with humility, laying down His life for those He led. His approach stood in sharp contrast to that of the Pharisees and Sadducees, who fiercely opposed Him. Why? Because His servant-hearted leadership threatened their grip on power, control, and societal influence.

The religious elite—Pharisees, Sadducees, scribes, and others—were deeply invested in maintaining their authority. Their opposition to Jesus wasn’t simply theological; it was political and personal. They feared losing the recognition and status they had built. Jesus’ life, marked by genuine sacrifice and love, exposed the self-serving motives of these leaders. Over time, their true intentions became evident.

In today’s world, the same dynamic can occur in faith communities. A leader might preach humility, generosity, and service—but act with control, manipulation, and ego behind closed doors. This creates confusion, betrayal, and deep spiritual wounds for those who trusted them.

Whether the harm came from narcissistic abuse or more benign relational hurt, the impact can be profound. Being hurt in a place where you expected safety—like a church—can shake your trust in people, in institutions, and even in God. The emotional scars may linger long after the event itself.

My first message to anyone who has experienced this kind of pain is simple: your hurt is real, and it matters. You are not being overly sensitive, dramatic, or unforgiving. Emotional and spiritual wounds are just as valid as physical ones.

My second encouragement is to gently separate God from man. Many people conflate the two, especially when harm is caused by someone in spiritual authority. But just because someone holds a pulpit or title does not mean they reflect the Spirit of God. Healing often requires us to reexamine our image of God apart from flawed human representatives. This process is much like the journey many take after experiencing familial or parental trauma. If we’ve been hurt by a caregiver, how do we trust a loving Father? These are deep, personal questions—but asking them is a vital part of healing.

Of course, there are still many good and faithful leaders—those who serve quietly, sacrificially, and without agenda. They exist in every faith tradition, offering hope and healing through authentic love and service.

Still, communal narcissism is real, and it can cause lasting harm under the guise of spiritual leadership. Recognizing it doesn't mean becoming cynical—it means becoming wise, discerning, and empowered.

In closing, wherever you find yourself on this journey—whether wounded, healing, or seeking clarity—know this: you are worthy of help, support, and restoration. Your questions are valid. Your pain is valid. You are not alone.

If the hurt you’ve experienced is affecting your spiritual life, relationships, or even your physical health, reach out. Find a counselor, a support group, or a trusted friend who can walk with you. There is hope. Healing is possible. And your journey—though painful—can lead you to deeper wholeness and connection.

Let your wounds become your wisdom. Let them guide you, not define you. You are not beyond repair. You are deeply worthy of love and healing.

Lisa Elliott Schumacher, LPC, CPCS, M.Div.

(Originally published in the July 2025 edition of Monroe Matters)

Life By Design Counseling

Lisa is a Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC), a Monroe County resident, and a mental health practitioner located in Bolingbroke who is passionate about helping others find healing, live fully, and to live holistically healthy lives, body, soul, and spirit. She believes life is meant to be lived by design, not by chance, and she aspires to help others live by design, wholly, fully, and vibrant. The sharing of these thoughts is in no way therapy or a substitute for therapy. If you are in crisis right now...Call or Text 988 or visit 988lifeline.org. If you are having a medical emergency, a safety emergency requiring law enforcement, EMS, or experiencing a fire emergency:   DIAL 911.